July 28, 2008

Courtesy of troutfishing.

President's Daily Pop Quiz: Energy Options

Choose one of the following for the new US Federal Energy Policy.

A) Create mammoth program costing hundreds of billions, perhaps even trillions, to loft millions of tons of mining and manufacturing equipment and other misc. junk off the Earth, to build a base on the Moon which will mine Helium 3 for fusion reactors. Don't put any nuclear weapons there, though, because that could turn into a real life replay of "Space 1999".

B) Spend about 1/100 of that sum to get the same amount of energy from free and abundant sunlight, through proven technologies.

C) Spend about 1/200 of that sum to "create" the same amount of energy by accelerating implementation of energy-efficient technologies that dramatically reduce energy demand. Also, replace all the incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent ones and make refrigerators more efficient by stuffing freezers full of tasty, nutritious USDA surplus grade "A" beef, plus lots of "The Other White Meat" as well. Fill unused fridge space with junk mail.

D) Spend a few hundred billion to counter the insidious propaganda of the damn liberals -- with all of their crazy, radical ideas about how wonderful grass and trees and wild animals (which are attacking us at every turn) are -- who are preventing those of us who need those resources from getting at that which is our God-given right. Trees belong in a tree museum, animals in zoos, and oil belongs in my Lincoln Navigator.

Channel this two or three hundred billion to responsible public relations firms which will teach Americans proper Biblically-derived Wise UseĀ® resource exploitation ethics. Then -- the Free Market will take care of the rest!

We will scrape off the first mile or so of the Earth's surface to get at all that oil, gas, and coal we know is under there.

D-1) If we scrape off enought dirt, the Earth's molten core will keep us warm. We will, however, need to put all the dirt somewhere. Development of the proven "Sky-Hook" technology, and the subsequent construction of this "power winch to the stars", would also be invaluable in reducing the cost of building a space station on the Moon.

E) Merge obesity reduction program with energy generation: fat Americans will make electricity riding on exercise bikes equipped with alternators that feed juice into the grid.

F) Turn down the thermostat and put on a sweater, and occasionally carpool.

G) Enslave all the people of Canada and Mexico, and make THEM ride exercise bikes to generate our electricity. They can live on our table scraps and leftovers. We eat too much anyway. They will be quite grateful.

H) Why worry? Everything will work out okay in the end.

I) Stop driving, turn off the heat, and keep warm by shuffling about in the dark and cold, shivering and cursing almighty God.

J) Begin crash bio-engineering program to genetically alter humans to accept cellulose-eating bacteria into their intestinal tracts, like cows and sheep.

We won't need to "get" energy: we will make our own! Out of materials in our own backyards! We will be able to eat grass, trees, and random shrubbery for food, and what energy we need we can get by duct-taping tubes to our asses whilst we sit on the couch watching TV and gnawing on wood chunks, farting out methane.

J) Invade Mexico and Central America. Who needs energy when you can live in a hut on the beach for free, eating fire-roasted fish, drinking cheap beer, and getting a great tan?

K) There are two "J" options. Did you notice?

L) Prayer has the power to transform reality: it can reach back through the past to change history, and can even reverse the flow of time.

M) Our friends in Israel will help us out with that little Mideast "problem".

L) Why worry? Worrying produces stress, and stress hormones are the deadliest toxins that most of us encounter on a daily basis. Stress takes years off our lives. Stress is bad, got that?

Be chill, and let the worrywarts get really, obsessively, worried about energy, until they keel over and die. There will be plenty of energy for the rest of us.

K) Collect old newspapers, like the Collyer Brothers. Newspaper is a good insulator, plus you can roll it into logs with proven 1970s technology. Burn the newspaper logs in the fireplace for heat, and redevelop the woefully neglected line of research that was dropped when they stopped making Stanley Steamers. Cars can run on newspaper, mark my words.

J) Run the power plants and cars on Hemp oil, and smoke lots of pot. If it was good enough for George Washington, it is good enough for us.

I) Heat should NOT be a problem, if all this "Global Warming" stuff the scientists are always jabbering about is true. We should SPEED UP Global Warming, and set Earth's "thermostat" at a pleasant 72 degrees Fahrenheit. It would be like living in Florida all the time.

If we burn oil, coal, and natural gas even faster, we will more quickly bring on the day when we can turn off our home heating systems forever. Then, we will have twice as much oil left over to use to power our cars.

H) Didn't that "Time Cube" guy figure all this stuff out already?

G) Why is this quiz so long? I am confused. This list of options seems endless, like it is running in reverse or something. I am hungry. What's for lunch?

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