March 22, 2006
Politics Explained Through Bovines
Too much substance in this, for me to leave it only at the Daily Smile. Besides, not only is this now one of the most thorough compilations out there, but it has also been edited, updated, overhauled, and occasionally corrected by me ... which may even qualify it for something approximating originality.
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
You have two cows. If you are strong enough, you can keep others from getting them both. Either you sell the milk at what your neighbours consider a fair price or your neighbours gang together to take the cows and kill you.
Whether or not you have any cows, you steal the neighbour's bull, then shoot the government, not necessarily in that order.
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT (CAPITALIST VERSION):
You have two cows. You need them both, maybe to sell one and buy a bull. If your neighbour needs a cow through no fault of his own, someone with more cows than you will give him one.
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
You have two cows. You take care of them, giving all the milk to the government, which then gives you back what you need.
REAL WORLD COMMUNISM:
You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have two cows. The government takes them both and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. In exchange for your labour, the government gives you all the milk you need. (Interestingly, I find this variant is frequently mis-labelled on the Internet as "communism", even though it is at the opposite end of the economic polemic. The key is the production-end control of the centralised government.)
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
You have two cows. Powerful corporations hand-in-glove with the government take both, hire you to take care of them, and sell you the milk.
You have two cows. Powerful corporations hand-in-glove with the government seizes both, hire whoever is cheapest to take care of them (preferably someone who will work for less than the cost of living), and sell you the milk. If you can't afford it, too bad. (You can always join the army.) If you object, you are labelled an enemy of the state and placed on government surveillance. If you keep objecting, you disappear.
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
You have two cows. The local country government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. BUT you can't do this through genetic engineering. (Breeding is fine, though.)
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. (Replace the bottle of vodka with premium brandy, and this becomes the Enron variant.)
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others a percentage of their milk in exchange for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows-on-paper, no cows-on-hand, and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You respect both of them, and get more economic value out of them through their work and what they produce than you ever would from their meat.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, watch your currency soar beyond the USD and euro, and arrest the newsman who reported on their working conditions.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
You have two cows. The local environmental agency tells you whether you are allowed to milk, kill, feed, or keep them.
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Tenebris, a request for you... your link on my site (Comment-Cyclic Blame) doesn't lead/open to anything. Perhaps you can re- post it? Thanks.