July 06, 2005

Like most people, I am largely a creature of routine -- and yet I lack it utterly. I have no internal clock, no regimented internal structure to force me to do things at specified points in time.

And so, these past months, I have ended up disappointing people, failing them on commitments I have made. For at least one other person, I have bitterly disappointed them simply by being who I am, but that is another story again; and I choose to focus on those things which do lie within my control.

To those for whom I have fallen short in my actions (and to Rhui especially), I am sorry. For those to whom I owe more communication than a single, brief, rapidly jotted e-mail on New Year's Eve: I am starting to get back on track with my writing ... slowly, in some way setting thoughts to print has become to me like slogging up an ever-increasing slope, although apparently it is not in my nature for the thoughts themselves to shut off. I seem to have a need to communicate: even when the writing comes with difficulty, even when those face-to-face around me close themselves off from requirement for considered thought of any kind. In some ways the twists of the past few months have actually been strangely fortunate: witness the thieves who, during last week's break-in, did not realise where the real value in my office lay, and only broke the door and took the money.

But -- start, for now, with regular entries to this blog once again. I had intended, previously, to backdate, to try for "once a week" entries by way of continuity: but regular entries from this point forth will accomplish the same thing more directly ... without the perception of apparent prescience, to be certain: but is it the substance or the adulation which is the point here? And so I make here another commitment: that I will try not to fall completely out of communication again. It already is among the hardest things I have ever done ... but I can't not do it. Leave it at that, for this entry.

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