May 05, 2004

Muzak is a virus, which exists only to replicate itself in the senses and thereby annihilate all other possibilities of clarity. Not infrequently, I have been known to go entire days without speaking a single word. How fortunate for all of us that Muzak allows us to go entire days without thinking a single thought.

Smiles of the day: (one for each orchestral section!)

Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.

Q:Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche? [What are the three positions of the viola?]
A: Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage. [First position, emergency, and defeat.]

Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A(1): Vibrato.
A(2): It is easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask the drummer to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a mortgage.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- Lily Tomlin

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